fear...and black belt grading

I've been dancing around this blog for awhile..forgive me if it doesn't come out quite right. I've been thinking a lot about fear and its many faces. I didn't realize it had so many until something Sifu Brinker said in our pre-demo meeting that started the wheels grinding. His last two blogs I think have grown out of that talk, and they remind me I need to talk about this. But first I have to walk you through my thought processes..sorry. Blackbelt. Its ever looming. And I swing back and forth between wanting to get it done and over with, and wanting to just walk away. I've had a hard time convincing myself sometimes that its worth it, other times I'm cool with it. Why am I so back and forth? During a couch talk with Sifu he asked me once why I wanted to be a blackbelt--I told him I didn't. I have no desire to teach, and couldn't see why putting myself through that kind of stress was worth it to me. I was told I needed to do this but I'd have to find the reason that was right for me. Sigh. That was last year, and its something I've chewed on, but not come up with anything until now. And it has to do with fear. I do fear failing--always have. It does depend on what my reasons for doing something are--sometimes I know I will fall, and I can come up laughing and keep going. This time I realized how much fear I have towards blackbelt--failing my instructors that have put so much into my training; failing my teammates who believe in me; and failing at something I wasn't even sure I wanted in the first place, but means a great deal to many people I care for. I didn't realize I HAD so much fear until that day. And when I have fear, I avoid. And yet, by the same token, I cant be pushed or I'll REALLY dig in my heels (just ask my mother.)So what does one do? Well, to get over most things, I like baby steps. Yes Ms Gibbons you are not alone! For example, with scissor kicks; we learned them in class a long time ago, and Sifu Shipalesky wanted me to grab my partners shoulder and kinda jump up and execute the kick (under semi control). I COULD NOT get my foot off the floor. Could not! It was like it was glued. So how did I learn it? Well, I took my top off my kick bag and practiced it at home on a cushier mat that didn't hurt my body like our kwoon mats when you land wrong. And I managed to get the basics. Am I good at it? Prob not, its been awhile. Could I do it standing now? With practice, I think I could. With a soft mat, definitely. So what about blackbelt. Practice, practice, practice. TRY and let people know when I'm not comfortable (I dislike sharing that kind of thing. I admire Ms Gibbons for her honesty in this.) And my reason for doing it? To conquer my fear. I still don't want to teach. I still would like just to train for the joy of learning and not to have to achieve. But unless I conquer this fear it will control me forever. Theres so many other things I want for my life--will fear of failure cripple them too, or can I prove to myself at least in this arena, that I can move beyond it? I guess only time can tell.